Free Short Story - Today's Special

Here's a fun little thing I wrote a few years back. I hope it makes you smile :D

Business was booming at the Tea Cosy Café, thanks to the multi-talented chef, Frank Licker who had revitalized the café by the introduction of 'Today's Special.'

At a small table sat a plump middle-aged lady and her brother. They ordered a pot of tea, and as they deliberated over the menu, the café began to fill up.

"My goodness, Jeremy. Everyone in here has a big smile on their face."

"Indeed they have. How very jolly," beamed Jeremy. He turned and nodded affably at the surrounding customers.

"Well I don't like it," snapped Penelope. "It's not natural. Now - shall I have the salad ... or something more substantial?"

"I think I'll have the kippers," mused Jeremy.

"Don't be silly dear. You know they give you wind."

"Kippers do NOT make me fart," said Jeremy indignantly.

"Sssshh. Keep your voice down," hissed Penelope. She shamelessley eavesdropped on the nearby conversations. "Hmmm - everyone seems to be going for Today's Special. It must be highly recommended." She waved the waitress over. "I'll have the special, please."

"I'd like your Today's Special too," announced Jeremy. "I have a good feeling about it."

"Yes Sir, absolutely," said the waitress, and winked slyly.

Penelope stared at the departing waitress. "What a young hussy, winking at my brother like that. Shameless."

"I don't mind at all. If I can't have kippers, the next best thing is a wink."

"Nonsense. Really dear, if you didn't have me to guide you, heaven only knows what sort of predicament you'd get yourself in to." Penelope paused and looked towards the side of the room. A long low table had been positioned, and there were excited murmurings from the customers. "Oh look - here comes the chef. My, he's rather handsome."

"Oh - rather," agreed Jeremy.

Chef Licker waved to the customers. "Now then - who wants to be first to sample Today's Special?"

There were cries of "Me! Me!"

Penelope frowned. Whatever it was must be really good. She must ensure she got plenty for herself. So she stood up and waved. "Over here! Give me some!"

Chef Licker looked over. "I see you, Madam. Are you deserving?"

"I am MOST deserving."

"Fine. Looks like you're first then. Come here."

The crowd roared their approval and Penelope blushed with pride as she hurried over. "I can hardly wait." She looked at the table. On it sat a big sports bag. There was no sign of any food. "What IS Today's Special?"

"Twelve with the squealer!" Chef Licker dived into the bag and produced a huge leather paddle.

"The squealer! The squealer!" chanted the customers.

"What?" said Penelope. "Ohhhhhhhh!"

Penelope found herself grabbed and bent over the table. Two customers dashed forward to hold her arms in place, then to her horror her skirt was raised and her knickers lowered amidst riotous applause.

Chef Licker raised his hand and brought the paddle cracking down on the big wobbly bottom.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!" squealed Penelope.

There was plenty for everyone ...