Monday, July 15, 2013

Free Story - Pig!

I'm referring to a real pig, as in big fat porker, as opposed to the male chauvinistic variety ... Here's a funny story. I hope it makes you chuckle. I certainly had fun writing it:D

PIG by flopsybunny (AKA Lucy Appleby)

Benjamin Grundy was enjoying the peace and quiet of the cabbage patch, with no noise but the gentle scrape of the hoe, the twitter of birds and the soft drone of bees. Years of manual labour had helped to maintain an unnaturally youthful physique for a man of 60 years, though he did find he needed a sit down more often these days. However, right now, he was diligently weeding as he indulged in quiet contemplation.

Alas, his tranquillity was shattered by a raucous shout emitted by the unmistakably grating voice of his cleaning lady, Mrs Gusset.

"Pig's got in, Mr Benjamin! Pig's got in!"

"What?" Benjamin frowned and walked over to the pig sty. Harriet was nowhere to be seen, and the unlatched gate swung to and fro.

"Damn that pig," he muttered, and headed towards the house.

"Eeeeeeeeeeee!" screeched Mrs Gusset. "Eeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Stop your caterwauling woman. Where is the wretched pig?"

"It's in the house, Mr Benjamin. It's trashing the living room. It's gone mad!"

"The pig is in the house?" Benjamin was aghast. "In my living room? No, it can't be."

"Oh but it is, Mr Benjamin. It is. I've seen it with my own two eyes," proclaimed Mrs Gusset, wringing her hands in a distraught manner.

"I don't believe it."

"It's true, by gum! It came hurtling into the kitchen and it stole a carrot from the vegetable box, and ran off chomping it. I tried to shoo it outside, but it wasn't having it. That's a very determined porker you've got Mr Benjamin, if I may say so. Sneaky too. Not to be trusted, is that pig."

"Out of the way, woman, let me at it. Give me the mop."

Mrs Gusset handed him her mop, and he advanced warily, holding the mop out ahead like a lance.

"Careful," warned Mrs Gusset. "It might bite you."

"Rubbish. Harriet doesn't bite. She - oh! She's got the mop! Give it here, you stupid animal."

Benjamin pulled the mop handle one way, and Harriet, her mouth full of mop head, pulled in the opposite direction.

"Aw, look at that! She wants to play tug of war. Nice piggie," said Mrs Gusset.

"Damn and blast!" thundered Benjamin. "How the hell did she get out of the pig sty?"

"Dearie me, I really don't know."

Benjamin muttered crossly and whacked the pig with the mop, trying to nudge her back out of the living room. But she wasn't going anywhere. Her little piggy eyes glared and she grunted angrily.

"Oh my! Watch it, Mr Benjamin - that's her mean and nasty grunt."

"Now listen here, I think I know more about my pig's grunt than you do, Mrs Gusset. Make yourself useful will you and go and get some rope."

"Ooooh, that's a smashing idea. I'll go and look in the shed."

"Be quick about it! We have to get this bloody pig out of my living room."

Harriet the pig rooted about behind the sofa and then went under the table and wouldn't come out. Benjamin tried to tempt her out with an apple, but she was wise to his tricks, and took her revenge by eating his best cushion and pooping on the rug.

Benjamin cursed and poked her with the mop. Harriet squealed loudly and maintained her position.

"If you don't come out right now," Benjamin informed the pig, "I'm having you for my dinner with peas and apple sauce."

"That's a very masterful thing to say to it," enthused Mrs Gusset as she returned with a length of rope. "Let it know whose boss, like."

Benjamin clicked his tongue in exasperation as he tied the end of the rope into a noose, and proceeded to lasso the pig, much to the delight of Mrs Gusset, who capered around the room making encouraging noises.

"Will you SHUT UP, woman! You"re making more noise than the pig. Silence. Let me concentrate."

At the third attempt, he managed to get the noose around Harriet's neck. It took the combined efforts of him and Mrs Gusset to pull Harriet out from under the table and take her back to her sty.

"Er, Mr Benjamin ..."


"Well I have to be honest. I cannot deceive you any longer. I have to confess to my crime."

"Which is?" Benjamin stared hard at Mrs Gusset.

Mrs Gusset stared back at him for a brief moment, her face flushed pink, and then she lowered her gaze and confessed. "I let the pig out. I didn't mean to. It was an accident."

"Oh, you STUPID woman!"

"I'm very very sorry. Very sorry indeed I am. Sorry," she added lamely.

"Right. That's it. That's the third time this week you have done something stupid and caused me grief. Into the barn with you. Get over the saw horse and get your knickers down. It's the strap for you, woman - good and hard."

Benjamin strode into the barn and retrieved the strap from its nail on the wall near the door. Mrs Gusset whimpered and did as she was told. She raised her skirt and pulled down her big pink bloomers. They fell in a heap around her Wellington boots. She obediently bent over the saw horse, her big white wobbly bottom jutting out like a massive Neolithic monument.

Benjamin got stuck in. He grasped the strap in his right hand and brought it cracking down over her bare bottom.

"Owwweeeee!" she screeched.

"I'll give you something to screech about, woman. Letting my pig out to run amok in my house. Take that! And that!"

His arm rose and fell as he strapped every inch of her bottom. There were a lot of inches to cover. He got quite a sweat on as he administered a good old fashioned strapping to this careless woman. Her bottom had changed colour from white to pink, and was now cherry red, with raised welts from the strap. The cries and yowls of Mrs Gusset infuriated him further, and he gave her an extra dozen for making such an awful racket.

When he was done, Benjamin hung the strap back on its nail and stomped out to make himself a nice pot of tea.

Mrs Gusset lay over the spanking horse, her bottom sore and throbbing, her eyes glazed over, and a big smile on her face. Blimey, she thought, the things a girl has to do to get herself a spanking.

© flopsybunny/Lucy Appleby

1 comment:

  1. Thanks. Enjoyed the story. Made me smile.